How to Contour your Face

First, you need to buff your face  to get it the right texture. Skin texture is no good. You want your skin to feel like air.  For this, any sanding tool will do, for those budget options, pick up some sanding paper sheets or pan scrubbers from Wilko’s.

Next you need some kind of rich semen, I mean serum.  I use pig’s anal gland secretions but it’s imported and expensive, so you can use like donkey jizz or whatever’s local and organic where you are.

Now that you are both scrubbed and plumped, we can start with your face primer.  This is like a facial glue that will stick to your foundation and make your skin look less like skin and more like a wipe-clean, laminated face.  I apply mine with a stippling or artex brush for maximum effect.

Next, we need to put our foundation on.  Years ago, women used to use their hands to put this on, gross right?  These days, everyone knows you need to apply it with the tender bladder of a chipmunk, voted Marie Clare’s most must have make up item, 3 years in a row.  I’d be lost without mine! It allows for such mega-high coverage that I look pixelated, like an anonymous criminal from a documentary.  Perfect!

OK.  Don’t forget to blow dry your face and use sealent spray at this point!  Also its a good idea to fill in any gaps with Face Grout by MAC.  You can use any standard grouting tool for this.

Looking good ladies! Next, we need some Carcinogens by Clairol, its a beautiful finely mixed powder with minerals, iron filings, asbestos, tobacco and of course, anthrax.  The tool I use to apply this is my fella’s sock (The sweat picks up the dust particles nicely, and has the added benefit of natural pheromones).

Now comes the tricky bit- the contouring.  The look we want is the timeless classic sweetheart face of Betty Boop, with the high cheekbones of Jocelyn Wildenstein and the low forehead of the Neanderthal.  To achieve this, all you need is your kid’s best brown crayon and a hammer  Simples! So you start by chiseling away at your features creating lots of brown dots.  You’re basically mining your face, but with crayons! Note:  It’s important to work from a photo here.  The first time I tried it, I didn’t, and I over-chiseled myself into Steve from Minecraft.

Finally, you have done allllll of the hard work and simply need to colour in (try stay in the lines!).  Work all of your shading using the fleshy part of your elbow, but watch that your bingo wings don’t smudge your work!  If your husband’s testicles are free, these come in handy as an eraser for any errors with your contouring, so don’t be afraid to use them,  that’s what they are there for!  Also, they add sexy pheromones that your man will love!

Next week, I’ll be telling you how create the illusion of a thigh gap with only scrunchies and paperclips! So stay tuned.


Random thoughts I had….

Why don’t we make bras for bollocks?

Why don’t we tell the guys they need to have gravity defying sacks?

Why aren’t bollockoplasties a thing?

Why aren’t men pushed to have thigh gaps and instead get to have love handles?

Why do men get to be silver foxes and not women?

Why do men get to keep their body hair?

Why is women’s body hair depicted as so shameful that even when shaving products are advertised the women’s legs are hair free BEFORE they are shaved!?

Why do men get to wear their normal faces without scrutiny or being told they are being so “brave”

80% of women have stretchmarks yet you won’t ever see any on TV or in adverts.

Why are we supposed to “contour” our faces now? Ugggh ugly women going around with their fat faces! sort it out ladies.

Why are we supposed to be discreet about our periods? Fuck that, I am going to take a foghorn out with me every month, maybe put a notice in the paper and throw a fucking chocolate party, where everyone brings me Thorntons as I sit in my PJs.

Why are periods so shameful that ads use blue water?

Why do we pay tax for sanitary products, why are mostly men running these companies for women’s bodies?

Why are boobs considered news?

How not to follow your dreams….

 It is all too easy to get sucked into society’s all consuming vortex, sapping every last drop of your soul in its bid to make us all good little proles.  Here is how it works so you and I can be aware of when we are curtailing our own lives to make them a little bit shitter.  Say “fuck you” to society’s conditioning!

  1. GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS.  Don’t get bogged down in the humdrum daily details of life, such as relentlessly scouring the internet for minimum wage jobs in a 10 mile radius, worrying about debt, trying desperately to make ends meet and fit everything in.  Basically this gets us not pursuing what matters to us; following our passions and our gifts to the world.
  2. IT’S JUST PAPER.  Don’t go following the money because you think that is what you are supposed to do.  If you constantly map your life following bits of paper its a surefire recipe for depression.
  3. PESSIMISM/REALISM.  Don’t go taking options because they are “realistic” rather than what you really want to do.  “Realistic” roughly translates as “shit all over your dreams”.  Have you ever noticed how pessimists conflate their pessimism with realism?
  4. TIME WASTING.  Don’t go wasting your time applying for jobs and working in jobs that you know are beneath your value and bring you no joy, because it will bring some money in for the time being – a means to an end.
  5. RANKING YOURSELF AS UNIMPORTANT.  Don’t go Putting yourself bottom of the pile of commitments, regularly. This is especially true of mothers: yes your kids need x y and z but don’t you need things too?
  6. PROCRASTINATION.  You might find yourself listening to, reading about and understanding how you are preventing yourself from improving your life and then not putting anything into action. It’s one thing being aware, then procrastinating… but for years? Surely you are just putting off your dreams because of your fear of failure/success. Action is the only thing that will change your life!
  7. MAKING EXCUSES- This is where you follow in line with old patterns of limiting self beliefs.  If you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you always got.
  8. ACTIVELY AVOIDING OPPORTUNITIES to follow your dreams, making sure you spend all your time following the money or engaging in the humdrum details of daily life.  When an opportunity to get involved with something you love presents itself to you, grab it man! Don’t say you don’t have time, or convince yourself you will do it later.  Do it now and learn as you go.