How to Contour your Face

First, you need to buff your face  to get it the right texture. Skin texture is no good. You want your skin to feel like air.  For this, any sanding tool will do, for those budget options, pick up some sanding paper sheets or pan scrubbers from Wilko’s.

Next you need some kind of rich semen, I mean serum.  I use pig’s anal gland secretions but it’s imported and expensive, so you can use like donkey jizz or whatever’s local and organic where you are.

Now that you are both scrubbed and plumped, we can start with your face primer.  This is like a facial glue that will stick to your foundation and make your skin look less like skin and more like a wipe-clean, laminated face.  I apply mine with a stippling or artex brush for maximum effect.

Next, we need to put our foundation on.  Years ago, women used to use their hands to put this on, gross right?  These days, everyone knows you need to apply it with the tender bladder of a chipmunk, voted Marie Clare’s most must have make up item, 3 years in a row.  I’d be lost without mine! It allows for such mega-high coverage that I look pixelated, like an anonymous criminal from a documentary.  Perfect!

OK.  Don’t forget to blow dry your face and use sealent spray at this point!  Also its a good idea to fill in any gaps with Face Grout by MAC.  You can use any standard grouting tool for this.

Looking good ladies! Next, we need some Carcinogens by Clairol, its a beautiful finely mixed powder with minerals, iron filings, asbestos, tobacco and of course, anthrax.  The tool I use to apply this is my fella’s sock (The sweat picks up the dust particles nicely, and has the added benefit of natural pheromones).

Now comes the tricky bit- the contouring.  The look we want is the timeless classic sweetheart face of Betty Boop, with the high cheekbones of Jocelyn Wildenstein and the low forehead of the Neanderthal.  To achieve this, all you need is your kid’s best brown crayon and a hammer  Simples! So you start by chiseling away at your features creating lots of brown dots.  You’re basically mining your face, but with crayons! Note:  It’s important to work from a photo here.  The first time I tried it, I didn’t, and I over-chiseled myself into Steve from Minecraft.

Finally, you have done allllll of the hard work and simply need to colour in (try stay in the lines!).  Work all of your shading using the fleshy part of your elbow, but watch that your bingo wings don’t smudge your work!  If your husband’s testicles are free, these come in handy as an eraser for any errors with your contouring, so don’t be afraid to use them,  that’s what they are there for!  Also, they add sexy pheromones that your man will love!

Next week, I’ll be telling you how create the illusion of a thigh gap with only scrunchies and paperclips! So stay tuned.

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